Thursday, January 8, 2009


The last few days I have withered away, falling victim to my own self doubt. I know that we all go through this but sometimes and usually when I fall into this sort of depression I feel like I am the only person who has ever been through the maze of confusion, questioning what I am doing on this earth and why my life is at such a weird place and I'm in my thirties.

Did I choose the wrong path, the wrong career, the wrong friends, the wrong school, the wrong life?

At the lowest of my low I MySpace'd Bryant who works at NBC to vent my frustration and awkwardness. I learned years ago there are times to listen and there are times to give advice and take action. Often times when I want people to just listen they speak up and give me their advice. When I want advice, most people only listen and offer no kind of help, words of wisdom or an attack plan.

Actually, now that I think about it most people listen rather than offering up any advice - it's frustrating but I think when most people don't know what to say they sit and lend their ear, hoping that will be enough help to me. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. I remember when my mother died, those who had no idea of what I went through wouldn't say a word, instead they would give me sad eyes and a blank look which is usually waiting for me to make my next move - almost as if they are the marionette and I am pulling their strings: if I cry they cry, if I laugh it off so will they... that is usually how it works.

When I reached out to Bryant I wasn't sure what to expect. Honestly, I was thinking he would say something cute like "Oh Scott, I love you, you are a great guy, things are going to work out and you're going to find a job." Usually that's the default answer for someone who can sympathize with what I'm going through but has no clear answer for my dilemma. Instead, Bryant gave a solution, totally throwing me a bone and asking me to send him my resume so he can forward it on to his friend who works in HR at a popular movie studio. I was flattered, surprised and, well... still depressed.

For a few minutes I forgot about not having a 9 to 5 job and imagined working again... but the bubble popped and I was back in my room, laying in bed ready to go to bed. I had hope but I was going to bed depressed. I texted my boyfriend letting him know that I missed him and wished he was next to me. After I turned off my bedside light and went to bed, the next day was a new day!

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