Wednesday, February 25, 2009

VERBAL & OUTSPOKEN

For weeks I've been hurting. I'm tired of lying about it, I'm tired of pretending telling all of my friends that everything is okay when it's not. I feel as if the past two weeks I've been on auto pilot going through the motions of 'being happy.' I'm sure this is not the first time another person has felt this sort of sadness - but maybe I'm the first to ever blog about it or publicly admit it.

Before I wrote these words above I confided in my coworker/supervisor of my recent feelings towards a guy I was dating. I can tell she was a bit surprised that I was giving a person that i only knew for a few weeks so much attention/power. Was I on the rebound? Was it just some type of lust? I couldn't quite peg why I felt so betrayed... why did he hurt me so much? By no means had I fell in love, however his personality, charisma, and visual appearance made it extremely easy to get along with. Did I feel like we were a match? Yes. More than the Italian? Yes, a thousand times over! My ego was a bit bruised by even in situations like this I tend to shrug my shoulders, wipe the dirt off and slowly move - this isn't the case.

I can pinpoint exactly when over the course of the past ten years that I've felt betrayed/hurt so much that it's literally taken years to get over the hurt. One was Jorge and the second was Cruz. In both these cases I never tried to closely examine where the hurt was stemming from - I guess it was easier to self pity my situation and harp on it for years - and in no way is this guy hold the place in my heart that Cruz did, but the similarities in hurt are similar but will not have the same outcome - GUARANTEED!

Wo what was so hard to shake off? My ass essentially, but not literally.

For weeks I convinced myself that he was the more dominant person and that I was more submissive. This wasn't the
first time this has happened with a guy I've dated, but this was the first time I've confided in someone and
consciously and verbally acknowledged that I'd most likely play the role of a the bottom in our relationship if things
were to progress.

As I rambled onto Wendy I spit the previous paragraph out and then like a deer in a headlight I had to sit down and reflect. "Wendy," I said. "That's it. *THE LIGHTBULB MOMENT* I not only gave him my honesty but I gave him the confirmation that I was the submissive one." Wendy being the quiet straight girl couldn't identify with the situation but could understand how that admission to him could effect me so profoundly and set me back so.

Now that I've had several days to sit and realize my true feelings I can't tell you how much better I've felt. Yes, I am still sad and definitely feel like texting the guy to tell him I miss him and want to hangout like we used to but I know the feel is not mutual so why put it on text? I'm tired of feeling vulnerable and having my heart served up on a golden platter. It's not fun when you're misunderstood and it's certainly more painful when a person sees you for something your not - you tend to
ask the questions "What went wrong?" or "Was I wrong?"

I guess the two things I've realized is that being verbal with your problems is healthy and even if you end up being hurt by someone your crushing on at the very end it's totally worth it because you can't regret being yourself at the end of the day.

1 comment:

rickykoo said...

i really like this post... it's an old one so you're probably past this stage, but I completely understand your thoughts and feelings. i agree with the last bit of your post.. it makes me feel happy and almost relieved to know that it's okay to express how you feel to someone even if they might not feel the same way!

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